“Choosing someone you would like to spend your whole life with” is an important decision that one has to take considering all the factors, whose consequences can last a lifetime…
“Marriage is an eternal unity of two souls who had met long before being born into this Temporary world”.
Anas reported God’s Messenger Prophet ﷺ said, “When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the religion; so let him fear God regarding the remaining half.”
(Mishkat al-Masabih 3096, Book 13, Hadith 17)
Now we know that we are not looking for just ‘any person’, we are looking for someone who will complete half of our deen. We usually get distracted by societal pressures or media and sometimes by our own emotions and hormones. Marrying is not just an event, it is a life-changing commitment that affects every part of our lives. Trust me I’m not trying to scare you away; instead, I am here to explain the importance of marrying the right person.
Now, the question is… who is the right person? How will we know if someone is perfect? What qualities, characteristics, and standards should we look for in a person to lead a peaceful life and be the source of each other's progress, completion, and comfort?
Well, let me clear you one thing, there is no such thing as the right person. People are beautifully flawed and each one of us is created by the Almighty Allah SWT, the One who created splendid skies, giant mountains, huge floating clouds, sparkling stars, and whatnot!? Therefore, you and I are no one to judge any person anyhow because we ourselves are not perfect!
However, I am trying to say here that when you intend to marry, find the right person for you (who is right for you) and find the right reasons to marry them. It is two different things- “right person” and “right person for you”...
It could be that the right person might seem perfect to society, our parents, relatives, or the world, but you will not be able to balance your nature, compatibility, and personality with theirs. On the contrary, the right person for you will be someone who might have 1-2 flaws and might not seem perfect but they complete you!
We recommend you go through all the attributes thoroughly mentioned here and make your decision wisely!
Often, finding an ideal person seems to be a long and daunting process which can also give you a feeling as if you are taking an interview and have a long list of certain questions in your mind. But keep in mind that when any difficulty arises in family life, it is caused either by the boy or a girl who made a poor choice in choosing a spouse who was not a good match for them. Due to a lack of unity and balance, many marriages are forced into a condition of unhappiness and disintegration. We understand that the process can be very awkward and uncomfortable.
If you are uncertain who is a good candidate for a Muslim spouse or have difficulty deciding, you are at the right place! look at the qualities listed below that can help you decide. Now without further details, let's jump right into it!
Taqwa, piety, religiosity
“They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (QURAN – 2:187)
It is essential to consider whether a potential partner can fulfill the role of a “garment” in our lives when selecting a potential partner. Take a moment to reflect on the following ayah to figure out what our best 'garment' is:
“…the best clothing is righteousness. This is one of Allah’s bounties, so perhaps you will be mindful”. (QURAN – 7:26)
We can see from this that the most important quality to look for in a future partner is Taqwa. Taqwa is the ability to protect oneself from evil and to be God-conscious. Therefore, the person who does not have religion has nothing. If he is conscious of his actions and has piety and faith, he will be conscious of how he treats you as a wife.
The Prophet ﷺ said: "Indeed the woman is married for her religion, her wealth, and her beauty, so take the one with religion, and may your hands be dusty."
(Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1086)
Similarly, "A man who marries a woman for her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition; and he who marries her (only) for her beauty, he will find in her (things) which he dislikes (displeasing matters); and he who marries her for her faith (religiousness), Allah will gather up all these things for him." The tradition makes an elegant and subtle point: if he marries her (only) for her beauty, he sees unpleasant things in her.
Perhaps these 'unpleasant matters' mean that an irreligious wife's beauty would be the source of a bad name, scandal, and disgrace. The same beauty that attracted her to marriage becomes a source of annoyance and dishonor.
The more a person is modest, noble, and straightforward, the more religious he is, even if he is unaware of his disbelief.
Religion includes modesty, nobility, purity, and all other positive and beautiful virtues and intricacies. Whatever the case, nothing can be allowed to marry an immodest, vile, dissolute, or impure person.
So, the non-religious and faithless must at least commit to the first principle of religion, which is humility, dignity, and sexual purity.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, said,
“If someone proposes marriage to you whose religion and character satisfies you, then you should accept it. If you do not do so, there will be trials on the earth and the spread of corruption.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1084. Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani)
Character and good manners
In Islam, virtues (Akhlaq) such as character, nature, and morality are crucial and go hand in hand with devotion to Allah SWT. The one with a good nature and virtues will eventually treat their partner and everyone around them well.
The Prophet ﷺ said: ‘If you find a boy whose Akhlaq (ethics/manners) is good and who follows the faith properly, give your daughter in marriage to him. If matches are made without considering the aspects of akhlaq and faith, it will cause mischief and disturbance in the Islamic society.’
Abu Hurairah (RAA) narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: “The fear of Allah and good morals (Akhlaq) are the two major characteristics which lead to Paradise.”
(At-Tirmidhi and Al-Hakim graded it as Sahih).
If you're looking for a "Shareek-e-Hayat" (spouse) make sure that they have a good character. Because the character they possess will eventually affect your behavior, thoughts, and feelings. So find the one who brings out the best in you, helps you overcome your evils, and brings you closer to Allah!
“The destination of people with high morals is in Jannah.”
And on the other hand, “If he is ill-natured (bad-tempered), do not marry your daughter to him.” You see that Imam responds with clarity, vividness, and negativity when subjected to this single vice. The experience of living alongside a bad-tempered, ill-natured individual is similar to being imprisoned for a lifetime. It is not only the spouse's bad temper that affects the other, but it affects the children as well.
However, the way a man treats those around him is the first indicator of his character. Analyze his interactions with others; does he treat his parents with dignity? Take note of how he interacts with people of different ages, races, and socio-economic backgrounds - is he consistently kind and compassionate? Is he sincere, or does his body language suggest otherwise? Keep an eye out for any red flags that indicate a bad temper.
The Prophet ﷺ said: “Avoid a trashy beauty”. Then He ﷺ was asked: “What do you mean by a trash beauty?” He ﷺ replied: “I mean a beautiful woman who is raised in a bad family”.
A person’s upbringing matters a lot! The individual possesses the qualities of their roots, their family, and their culture which will become a part of your life and will affect you in all means possible. Consequently, getting married doesn’t mean you will be marrying just that person, their whole family becomes a part of your own family. Make sure that the person you are going to marry belongs to a righteous family, and most importantly their family has Taqwa!
Mental health, common sense and reasoning
Mental health and a healthy mindset are essential parts of marriage for its prosperity!
Being in a marriage is like sitting in a see-saw, once you are up then you are down. It is not a life-altering event after which everything goes right, instead, you have to deal with all the problems that come your way with patience, perseverance, a sound mind, and the aim of not hurting the other.
A relationship like marriage is never easy, it is the people who have healthy mindsets who righteously clarify their issues without letting them affect other parts of life. Some people make their partner’s life miserable by taking things in the wrong way, manipulating them, and playing victim to get their things done. Everything in their lives gets toxic, both the partners are disturbed, their parents as well, and the upbringing of kids is directly affected as the kids end up in therapy.
It is crucial to have a spouse with a sound mind and sound reasoning. Then only he/she would be able to deal with challenges in life by applying common sense and the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah. However, even if you think that you are not in a good state to get married then take time to work on yourself. This will not only save you but the other person as well.
Imagine growing up in a toxic family where your parents lack qualities of supporting you, treating you right, understanding you, protecting you from the harsh world, and so on… feeling miserable don’t you?! This is the reason that you got to break this chain. Understand that what made you feel miserable when you were young, will also make your kids feel the same. Break the chain and don’t give a reason like “our parents used to do the same, we are doing the same… being a good parent”. Instead, treat them the way you want to be treated in your bad days!
Their appearance/how they look.
Although chemistry and appeal are undoubtedly vital, the character must come first. It says that “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” It is sensible and crucial to wed someone to whom you have a strong physical attraction, but this shouldn’t be your only priority. Even while attractiveness and beauty are personal choices, choosing someone purely on the basis of beauty will make things off in our marriage… that will not make you feel complete.
When you are drawn to someone’s heart, you are also drawn to their physical being. We shouldn’t go for someone who merely appears beautiful in photos but lacks the other essential characteristics that are a must in a person as a partner.
However, remember that it is important for a couple to have mutual attraction so that neither of them seeks it from others.
But making good looks the main criteria and neglecting the other values lays the institution of marriage upon a weak foundation, so make our decision carefully.
Compatibility
Allah’s Messenger, the Prophet ﷺ said, “Make good choice for your seed, marry women who are compatible to you, and marry your daughters to them who are compatible.” (Narrated by Aishah R.A, Recorded by Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, and others)
Compatibility in a couple is the most important factor to consider. However, people give less priority in comparison to their beauty/appearance and wealth. It is only compatibility between a couple that eases and balances out the responsibilities in a marriage. As marriage is a sacred bond between a husband and wife based on mutual love, mercy, and understanding… it is crucial that you seek a partner with whom you can share your love and compassion.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy”. (Surah Ar-Rum [30:21].)
As part of a shared religious foundation, it is encouraged to marry someone who shares their faith which results in the couple’s compatibility in religious beliefs, they are able to support and encourage one another in their spiritual journeys, strengthening their bond and commitment to religious convictions.
Having a compatible husband or wife is crucial for a successful marriage because when it comes to making big decisions, it is important that both partners are on the same page and have similar goals and values. “Having common goals and values ensures that they are leading towards their common purpose, creating a sense of unity and harmony within the marriage”.
Compatibility encompasses various aspects, including religious beliefs, values, goals, and personalities. So make sure that you prioritize compatibility in marriage over any other aspect. A successful and harmonious marriage is built on a strong foundation of compatibility between the spouses which are blessed and make happier and healthier homes.
Financial aspects
“Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them.” -(Bukhari)
As the husband is regarded as a protector of his wife, children, and home, it is his responsibility to provide shelter, clothes, and food for them. There is no shame in knowing if a person who will be the man of the house, earns enough to feed his wife and his children.
As mentioned in the Quran- “But the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:233)
However, it is also mentioned in the Quran that- “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him” (Surah Al-Talaaq 65:7)
So one has to be reasonable with their requirements as ‘need’ and ‘want’, Naturally, the husband will have to spend some money on the finer items if he is wealthy or is marrying someone from a wealthy household. But if he experiences financial difficulty, the wife will have to put up with it.
Remember that a husband’s value is not by his wealth! So never discourage him on behalf of how much he is earning because what he is earning and how much you are getting from him is written in each one of your ‘Qadr’ by Allah SWT. So we should be grateful to have that roof over our heads and embrace every breath we are blessed with!
Even if such thought comes to mind then remember this verse from the Quran- “They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them” (Surat Al-Baqarah 2:187)
That implies that you are “both the husband and wife should watch out for one another, conceal one another's shortcomings, and fill up the gaps left by the other”.
Therefore, a wife’s perfection allows her to help out her husband when it feels right, while a husband's perfection allows him to never make her feel like doing so.
Marry for the right reasons.
Do consider the right motives before saying yes to marriage. Marriages should signify “completion of one’s deen” and finding happiness and peace of heart and mind. It ought to be about finding yourself a partner with whom you want to grow old, share memories with, develop love and mercy for, and have a best friend for life, with whom you can live every day, your comfort person, a soulmate!
Make sure that you are making this decision with a sound and calm mind because it is not just you, there will be another person involved in this decision waiting for your consent. Therefore, don’t get under family, financial or societal pressure.
Give as much time to your thoughts as possible, you will be living with this decision forever!
“Pray Salah, and perform Istikhara for the guidance of Allah. In Sha Allah, you will be guided in a direction righteous for you”.
Masha Allah beautifully written 😍